It’s a recurring theme in my office for those who seek psychotherapy. Oftentimes, a current mood state is directly correlated with the consequences of a choice long since made (marital partner, children, financial woes, health issues, broken familial relationships, career paths, etc.). But, one cannot change the past—one only can affect the present which can potentially influence one’s future; if in fact there is a future since tomorrow is promised to no one.

There’s a song currently playing on the radio by Tim McGraw entitled, “Live Like You Were Dying.” Poignant in that we all have heard about the person who finds out that he or she has a terminal illness—life suddenly becomes a finite proposition that must not be squandered on anything less than authentic living. Trivial concerns that once took up an inordinate amount of energy are no longer relevant with the realignment of one’s priorities. What’s interesting about this phenomenon is that life has been and is a finite proposition (at least the one on this earth) all along. It’s the individual’s awareness of this fact and hereto one’s perception that shifts—not the reality of the situation we are all contending with on a daily basis.

How does one create a sense of urgency that will create lasting change in taking greater risks, responsibility, and ultimately an increased sense of joyous living without contracting a terminal illness? By acknowledging that this is not a dress rehearsal and that there are no second chances in the big scheme of things—that our lives (which are comprised of moments) are precious and that our happiness or unhappiness is often predicated on the choices that we’ve made along the way that got us to where we find ourselves. That would be a beginning.

Happiness does not reside in material things. The bumper sticker that reads; “He With The Most Toys Wins” has always made me cringe. If this were true, individuals who possess substantial material wealth would not contend with depression and the like—Personal happiness does not reside outside of one’s self; quite the contrary. Happiness is within each of us and is derived from an inner peace that comes from a sense of belonging to oneself via love because we love, value, and accept ourselves through God’s grace first, and then by others who surround us. Personal happiness is also an artifact of a life well lived—a person will surely die badly if he or she has lived badly.

So let’s assume that one now has a sense of urgency because his perception has now been altered in the acknowledgement of how finite life truly is—what would you do differently today?

“Seize the day” is an apt expression that comes to mind. For today is all any of us has when you really think about it. Stop thinking you can buy time on credit, and start approaching each day as an opportunity to be better and to live with a sense of wonderment and excitement. Ever watch a child who has just begun to discover the world around her? The look on the child’s face is priceless and requires no elaboration. Adopt that attitude of discovery in your own life.

Live like you were dying…because we all are regardless. Notice the things that change in your life as a result. Love more deeply—deal with things that you have avoided up to this point—attend to the needs of others in addition to your own—and be true and authentic in all you do. If this seems like a daunting endeavor to undertake alone—seek out the guidance from a trusted friend, pastor, or therapist to assist you along the way. See what happens as a result. You might surprise yourself in ways that you would have otherwise missed…

“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.”
(Chinese Proverb)

Gina M. Taffi, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical and Consulting Psychologist in private practice; Solana Beach, California (858) 404-0234.

* This article cannot be reprinted without the expressed permission of the author.

As I prepared to give a talk on “Emotional Eating,” to a group of otherwise high functioning women (men are not immune to this by the way—just more prevalent in females), I began to scan in my mind’s eye the countless individuals that have crossed my office threshold who have displayed this syndrome and yet will go virtually unnoticed given the current attitudes concerning this issue unless awareness is heightened and treatment is provided to alleviate this ever growing problem. Much of the reason it stays undercover is the shame, perfectionism, and the idea that this is controllable and therefore, one shouldn’t need help. Not so.

So what am I talking about? I am describing a very high functioning person who seemingly has everything under control (a theoretical concept at best) and yet, obsesses about her weight, food choices, and feels unyielding pressure to be thinner than she currently is (or perhaps has ever been). She can be a full time stay at home mom or that plus a worker outside the home. She can be single or married. This woman may also have aging parents or in-laws who rely on her for help to doctor’s appointments, etc. She rarely has a moment to herself and feels lucky to get in one or two step aerobic classes a week. In between a business meeting and picking up her son’s new soccer uniform, she grabs a salad from a fast food restaurant with a diet coke and feels virtuous for adhering to her “diet” even though her head is pounding from the caffeine withdrawal she’s experiencing from this morning’s coffee and the sugar let down from the pastry she grabbed during her first meeting of the morning. By the time she gets home there’s little energy left and yet she perseveres and throws a load of laundry into the washing machine, helps the kids with their homework, gives her husband a back massage, and prepares for a presentation she will need to facilitate back in the office tomorrow morning at 8:00 am after returning 20 e-mail messages—all of this before her own bedtime at 11:50pm. But, before she crawls into bed—when the house is quiet and she finally has some time to herself without interruption or one more demand to fulfill from another; she slips into the kitchen for a snack. At this critical moment, she is sleep deprived, hormonal, anxious about her meeting in the morning, stressed about the cross words she exchanged with her husband about being too tired to make love (again), and she just wants to disengage for a few moments in the recesses of her own mind where no one else can find her. A bubble bath is certainly an option as would be relaxing music and deep diaphragmatic breathing. Maybe her husband could rub her feet and listen to what is on her mind without feeling compelled to fix a thing? Just listen to her so she feels heard and understood. But, those alternatives are not an option because she knows of only one way to take care of herself (without troubling anyone else) and that is through food. It starts innocently enough with an apple smeared with peanut butter. Healthy and fibrous are words she uses to describe her choice as she begins her ritualistic self-critique. However, that isn’t going to satisfy the deepest hunger within her—and so in now what might best be described as a dissociative state—she begins to nibble on the chocolate cake she bought for the kids earlier in the week that up until now she had averted—one piece turns into two and before you know it she’s melting cheese on some sourdough bread that was in the breadbox. She washes it all down with some diet root beer and with her stomach distended and quite uncomfortable—she stops in disgust and admonishes herself for doing it again. “Why do I do this to myself?” she asks—when I know that I’ll only make myself sick. She doesn’t make herself throw up—she hasn’t consumed enough to qualify as a purge in the classical sense—but, this is in no way a healthy pattern and is creating a sense of despair within that cannot be quelled by food. The next morning she awakens to an alarm clock—swears to herself that last night was the last time she will do that—and today she is going to get a 20 minute walk in somewhere in order to help burn off some of those excess calories she consumed the night before. If she doesn’t, how will she ever fit into that dress she bought for her husband’s company dinner in two months?

Do you get the picture? In a very real way this woman is caught in a Catch-22.

What to do?

The First Step In Healing Is Identifying The Problem:

Are you striving for a physical ideal that is not realistic?

Are you preoccupied with weight, food, diets, and calories?

Are you a secret eater?

Are you in a perpetual battle with your mind, body, and the food you eat?

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you use food as a means to relax, cope with stress, sadness, happiness, low mood?

Are you extremely concerned about your appearance, which is the defining feature of your self esteem?

Do you compare yourself physically to others and consistently feel inferior?

Do you alternate between severely restricting your eating and eating large quantities of food?

These are some questions to ask yourself if you think you might have an unhealthy relationship with food and consequently, your body. If you answered “yes” to one or more of these sample questions, it’s important to address the underlying thoughts, feelings, and triggers that perpetuate this cycle for you.

Give Yourself Permission To Be Human:

When beginning to address this issue it’s important to step away from the judgments that keep you imprisoned. It’s okay. Most people develop this pattern as a means of coping. Said another way; it’s an attempt to take care of oneself. The problem with this method, however, is that it’s not really helpful in the long term and keeps oneself down versus truly being able to enjoy the body you have to its fullest while living your life free of obsessional thinking about food, diets, and weight.

Identifying the Cycle:

Start by identifying the situational triggers (e.g., boredom, loneliness, taking care of everyone else at the expense of your own needs, etc.) that promotes the cycle for you which often leads to...

Destructive thinking which increases stress levels.
Anxiety and stress can put into play the sequence (i.e., wanting relief from these negative emotions).

Unhealthy and disordered eating often leads to additional negative emotions (e.g., guilt, self-hatred, fear, low self-esteem, anxiety, feeling out-of-control).

Steps To End The Cycle:

• Eat on a regular schedule while learning to eat in accordance with physiological cues as opposed to emotional ones that formerly dictated what, when, and how much you previously consumed.
• Become familiar with your unique triggers.
• Change your thinking.
• Stabilize your moods.
• Learn alternative coping strategies to address anxiety and depression.
• Step away from the myth of perfectionism and acknowledge it as such.
• Manage peri/menopausal symptoms.
• Accept yourself today right where you are and free yourself from the tyranny of endless diets, impossible to obtain weight goals, and an unhealthy relationship with food.

On A Final Note:

Food is not love. Food is not a warm blanket. Food is not a hug. Food is not an empathic ear. Food is nourishment and one of the joys of life. Put food in its proper place while also recognizing its limitations.

There is much more that could be said on this subject. My hope is to shed some light on a topic that is oftentimes seems too embarrassing or shameful to admit. With empathy and compassion this is simply just another symptom to be understood within the context of the whole person—and that is all it is, for the entirety of any individual is not determined by the symptoms he or she exhibits. Each one of us is so much more. If you need professional help; seek it out. There is no reason to feel as though you should go it alone. Sometimes the route to healing begins (particularly with this cluster of behaviors) with a willingness to let others come up along side of you in your time of need and help you through to the other side.

Gina M. Taffi, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist In private practice; Solana Beach, California (858) 404-0234.

* This article cannot be reprinted without the expressed permission of the author.

Losing that sort of weight is much more complex than simply abiding by a stringent diet. What both do have in common is the willingness to make a commitment to lifestyle changes that will produce lasting results if viewed from this perspective. Many people need a complete overhaul that would entail an inventory of all of the possible contributors to the sensation of feeling weighted down.

Let’s begin by asking: “What’s enough?” Does anyone know anymore? Our culture is so greedy and seemingly insatiable: bigger portions at restaurants, mega stores, mega churches, enormous houses, larger automobiles that consume more precious natural resources that are in short supply, more material objects than any one person truly needs but rather, wants out of some distorted view of what necessitates a need versus a want. And what, does all of this lead to? Oftentimes, being financially overextended—said another way, in DEBT! Ever-increasing financial debt. Has this become the norm? People who fall into this category are often owned by their things, as opposed to the other way around, which allows for being unencumbered and free—weightless.

I propose that what needs to be looked at when someone is overweight (and this applies to individuals who are within the normal physical weight ranges as well but, feel burdened and “weighted down”) are all of the other possible areas in life that create this feeling state.

What are some examples of these states I’m referring to?

• An inability to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.
• Mounting financial debt and living beyond one’s means.
• Too much emphasis on the temporal and “happiness” in the moment, as opposed to lasting joy, which is often the result of discipline and self-control.
• Lack of charity.
• Loss of a strong moral code that shores a person up when he or she is weak.

There are many contributors to this condition and this is just a sampling of what some of those things might be for any one person at different times:

Forgiveness. Who’s it for anyway? It’s for the person who has been wronged first and foremost. So many people confuse forgiveness with condoning an act or behavior that was injurious. Acceptance of what is and releasing it is far healthier than holding onto a grudge that not only contributes to a negative energy state but also, contributes to excess psychological weight.

Living within one’s means isn’t so difficult—it’s just that a lot of people believe that more stuff is the antidote for what’s missing in their lives. Quite the contrary; more material possessions translates into a person traveling through life with more things to haul from one place to another. I don’t see many birds weighted down with backpacks that outweigh them by two and three times. Think about it. How can anyone fly (i.e., live weightlessly and free) if encumbered by a bunch of stuff? Plus, revolving credit card consumer debt and being overextended in a variety of areas financially puts one in a prison of his own making. So, cut out the cards is my motto and become a cash and carry person. It’s amazing how much lighter anyone can and will feel as a result.

Giving to others. What a lot of people forget is that giving is not only for the recipient of the gift but, for the giver as well. I recall that Mother Teresa once said that she questioned whether any true altruism actually existed since even in her own circumstances—forgoing material things and living a self-sacrificial life, she had gained so much as a result. And giving doesn’t have to be writing a check to the charity of your choice or time volunteered to some organization in need. Giving to others might mean letting someone into your lane while driving, saying “hello” to a stranger, holding the door for someone coming or leaving a place of business; you get the idea. Watch the psychological weight disappear simply from giving more to others.

There are absolutes in this world. Self-control and moral discipline are necessary and essential requirements for a civilized society. What happens when there is moral decline, and when boundaries for appropriate and acceptable conduct become more and more acceptable? Does the fall of Rome ring any bells? This also relates back to living within one’s means. There’s nothing wrong with some denial of pleasure—in fact, it’s healthy and an important element of leading a balanced life.

What’s the difference between light and light? I think they both are quite similar, since living in the light is the opposite of darkness and ignorance, and feeling less weighted down in life, whether physical or psychological, connotes freedom of movement.

As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” And drop a few “LB’s” while you’re at it—the change will do you good.

Gina M. Taffi, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical and Consulting Psychologist in private practice; Solana Beach, California (858) 404-0234.

* This article cannot be reprinted without the expressed permission of the author.

• Endless checking or rechecking actions.
• A constant and unrealistic worry about everyday occurrences and activities.
• Fear and anxiety that appear for no apparent reason.

Anxiety disorders include the following:

Panic Disorder: a sudden, uncontrollable attack of terror that can manifest itself with heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, and an out of control or terribly frightening feeling.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: excessive anxiety and worry that last for at least six months accompanied by other physical and behavioral problems.

Social Phobia: a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny or others.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: repeated, intrusive and unwanted thoughts that cause anxiety, often accompanied by ritualized behavior that relieves this anxiety temporarily.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Trauma: caused when someone experiences a severely distressing or traumatic event. Recurring nightmares and/or flashbacks and unprovoked anger are common symptoms.